


That Which is Already Dead

by ArgentSleeper



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Reincarnation, Suicide Attempt, The slash is mostly implied but you can pretend it isn't there pretty easily, mentions of past suicide attempts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-29
Updated: 2014-05-29
Packaged: 2018-01-27 00:01:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1707413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArgentSleeper/pseuds/ArgentSleeper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From <a href="http://whataboutthewifi.tumblr.com/post/87037980297/one-of-my-personal-merlin-headcannons-is-merlin">this prompt on tumblr</a>.</p>
<p>Merlin realizes the only thing that can kill him and end his years of waiting is Excalibur.  So he decides to go after it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	That Which is Already Dead

**Author's Note:**

> WHAT AM I DOING I NEED TO FINISH MY AFTERCAMLANN
> 
> This might get extra chapters as I have time. But I'm pretty attached to my other reincarnation piece that I also don't have time for right this minute, so maybe not.

Merlin sat by the edge of the lake, looking out onto its still waters. It looked the same as it had yesterday and the day before that and every day for the past 1500 years. He wasn’t sure why he even bothered to come anymore. Nothing had changed, nothing was _going_ to change. He was doomed to be alone forever, watching the world collapse on itself. It was time Merlin accepted that.

But then, what purpose did he have? What good was a half that would never again be whole?

It wasn’t the first time Merlin had had such thoughts. He’d found, however, that it did him no good to entertain them. Poison had left him writhing on the ground vomiting up the contents of his burning stomach. It had taken nearly two years to fully recover from his fall off the cliffs. He would never be rid of the ligature marks the rope had burned into his neck.

But Emrys meant immortal and thus his peace eluded him. Or maybe… perhaps not.

Excalibur rested at the bottom of this very lake, resting beside his king for all eternity. It had felt right at the time. The sword was only ever to be used by Arthur. But that didn’t mean it _had_ only been used by Arthur. Uther had wielded it against Tristan du Bois. Merlin himself had wielded it against the immortal army. It was that experience that told him this was his answer. He would be allowed to hold it, to use it, for its very last quest.

_I’m sorry, Arthur. One can only wait so long for a moment that will never come._

He didn’t bother to strip. He’d been in the lake before; he knew its waters were deep. The sodden clothing would help to weigh him down. Merlin took one step in, letting the water lap around his feet and paused. “You gave me it once during my hour of need, Freya. Please let me have it again.”

The chill of the water went straight to his bones as he dove in, not bothering to angle himself in any direction but down. If he was to find Excalibur, it would not be by fruitlessly scouring the lake’s bottom. Freya would place it in his hand as she had before. But somehow Merlin knew she would not make things so easy this time.

Merlin swam deeper and deeper, the space growing dark around him as the sun gave up permeating the water. That suited him just fine. He had enough light from the bright spots that were appearing in his vision. His oxygen was quickly running out. _Please, Freya. Please_.

Just as his lungs threatened to burst with their need for air, Merlin’s hand touched, not the cool hardness of steel, but the grit of earth. He’d reached the lakebed. He was at the bottom, with no sword in reach. Frantically he felt along the sand for anything that might indicate Excalibur was nearby, but to no avail. _Freya!_

But Freya was not listening. His world went dark.

 

* * *

 

 

There was warmth on his lips. That was the first thing Merlin noticed. The sensation was brief, then vanished as pain exploded in his chest.

“Oh, god, please wake up. Please, please wake up. Or don’t wake up, just please _breathe_.”

Merlin coughed. Then coughed again. Then had to roll to his side as his lungs fought their way out through his throat, along with a vat of water. The voice was gibbering above him, patting his back firmly to help his trachea come out, too, while Merlin gasped for breath. His vision was blurred from lack of air, his head and body ached in its need for oxygen. And apparently it was also making him hallucinate. Great.

_I failed_. _I will never be able to escape._

“That was a really stupid thing you did there, whatever it was. You know you really shouldn’t be swimming in that lake. It’s filthy. You’re probably radioactive now. Which means you’re contaminating me as we speak. I could sue you for that, you know. If you hadn’t just nearly _died_ I probably would. Seriously, what were you _thinking_?”

Merlin hacked a few more times, then grinned up at Arthur’s worried face. Maybe he hadn’t failed. He was with his king again, and that could only mean one thing, really. Who cared if Avalon looked the same on the other side? It could look like Morgana’s hovel for all he cared. “I was thinking about you,” he rasped quietly.

Arthur startled back a bit. Maybe he was ashamed he had left Merlin for so long. “O _kay_ then… All good things I hope?”

“Nah, just remembering how much of a prat you were.  ...I missed you.”

“…Right.” Arthur looked around uncomfortably. “Um, I called an ambulance. They should be here soon. I think you might have a bit of a head trauma. Can you tell me your name?”

Merlin rolled his eyes, but he couldn’t stop smiling. “Well, you usually call me idiot. But I think that must be you if you’ve actually forgotten.”

“I’m serious. Do you know your name?”

“ _Merlin_. I’m Merlin, you’re Arthur, and this is ridiculous.”

The king’s eyes widened. “How do you know my name?”

“Just because you’re a forgetful clotpole doesn’t mean that I–” his tirade faded away as the sounds of the promise ambulance reached his ears. Merlin tore his eyes from Arthur’s face to look at the rest of him. Modern clothes. No mail, no cape. “ _No._ ”

The emergency technicians swarmed around them, scrabbling at Merlin to take his pulse, check his breathing, drag him onto a stretcher. Merlin could only stare. It was Arthur, it _had_ to be Arthur. His king who had never needed a crown to rule Merlin’s very soul. Who no matter how harshly he was dismissing his servant always looked at him, never through him.

“You came back. Arthur, you came back.” _You came back to me_.

But Arthur just backed away, confused and slightly frightened, not for Merlin now, but of him.

“Sir, do you know him?” Merlin realized the medical officials had been trying to ask him questions, and giving up getting him to respond had turned to Arthur.

“No… No, I just saw him lying at the edge of the water. But before this I’ve never even met him.”

Through all the pain his body was already in, Merlin felt his heart shatter. “ _Arthur_ , _please_. Please, you have to remember! I didn’t wait this long for you to forget everything, you prat!”

Arthur kept moving backwards, his face twisted with pity. “I’m sorry… Look, just let the men do their job. They’ll help you, okay?”

“No! Please don’t leave again! Come- come with me to the hospital,” Merlin begged. He couldn’t lose him again, not so soon. “Please, I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

He could tell it was the right thing to say. Arthur’s face crumbled and his shoulders slumped. “Fine. But if you turn out to have some kind of grave mental affliction and kill me in my sleep I’m going to be quite put out."

Merlin felt his smile return as Arthur nervously reached out to pat his hand. He was sure it wasn’t just the effects of the IV as warmth spread through his body. It was however, the reason his eyes had begun to droop and he felt heavy as lead. “I’ll never let that happen to you. Not again.”

“So… so I died already.”

He sighed heavily, or maybe that was a yawn. “Yes.”

“Merlin…” Arthur asked quietly, “What were you doing in the lake?”

“I was coming to be with you.”


End file.
